Healthy Conflict: How to Address Issues Before They Become Landmines

Most people will tell you the same thing about conflict: “I hate it.” Some don’t just dislike it, they avoid it at all costs.  But what if conflict isn’t the problem?  What if avoiding it is?

In marriage, in parenting, and in leadership, conflict is inevitable. It will show up in different forms, misunderstandings, unmet expectations, differing perspectives. But when we do nothing, something subtle begins to happen: relationships drift, trust erodes, and leadership weakens.

I still remember the day my husband called me and said, “I quit my job.”  I was stunned. He had been there for over 30 years.

He and his new director had been struggling with disagreements around processes and delivery. As a new director, she wasn’t willing to explore what was already working before implementing changes. Instead of addressing the tension with curiosity and dialogue, she became defensive, critical, and distant.

Her dismissive approach left the team feeling unheard and undervalued. Slowly, frustration turned into disengagement. Then disengagement turned into departure. Employees, doctors, and nurses began leaving the hospital. By the time leadership stepped in, the damage had already been done. Eventually, the director was let go.

I remember asking myself: Why did it have to go this far?  What would have happened if the conflict had been addressed early, with humility and openness, instead of avoidance?

Conflict often shows up as a signal.  Something isn’t aligned. Expectations weren’t clear. Communication broke down. A process stopped working.  Instead of ignoring those signals, what if we approached them with curiosity rather than defensiveness?

What happened?  Where did the gap begin?

And what if the goal wasn’t to win an argument or prove a point, but to close the gap and find solutions that work for everyone, not just us?

Here’s what usually happens when we avoid conflict: we notice the issue, sense it growing, and hope it will somehow resolve itself. But it rarely does. It escalates. By the time we finally address it, emotions are high, tension is thick, and our emotional intelligence is hijacked by reactivity.  What if we addressed issues early, before they became landmines?

Truthfully speaking, no one enjoys hard conversations. But when handled with intention, conflict doesn’t have to divide teams. It can clarify expectations, strengthen trust, and move organizations forward.

Now, let’s clarify something important: tension is not the same as disrespect.  Tension is often unintentional.  Disrespect, on the other hand, is deliberate.  For example, disagreeing with someone’s idea in a meeting is tension. Rolling your eyes, dismissing their input, or speaking over them repeatedly is disrespectful.

And that distinction matters, because how we interpret tension often determines how we respond to it.

From Avoidance to Alignment

Conflict doesn’t only show up in boardrooms.  It shows up at dinner tables. In text messages. In parenting moments. In leadership meetings.  And often, the way we handle conflict at home mirrors how we lead at work.

When tension rises in families, we often withdraw, shut down, or react emotionally. When tension rises in organizations, leaders often delay conversations, soften accountability, or avoid discomfort.

Different settings.  Same pattern.

That’s why healthy conflict requires disciplined, intentional choices.

At BridgesXL and Family Bridges, we teach leaders and families to move through tension using one practical framework: FACE.

FACE: Pause Before You Respond

Before we fix anything, we must first understand what’s happening beneath the surface.

F – Feelings:

• What am I feeling right now?
• What might they be feeling?
• At home: “I feel disrespected.”
• At work: “I feel undermined.”

A – Assumptions:

• What story am I telling myself?
• What might I be assuming without clarity?

C – Comeback (Response):

• How will I respond with intention rather than emotion?

E – Effect:

•  What impact will my words have on this relationship, this family, this team?

Healthy relationships, at home and at work, aren’t built by ignoring emotions, but by learning how to read them wisely.

So here are three simple action steps to practice healthy conflict this week—at work or at home:

1. Name it early (don’t let it simmer).
   If something feels off, address it within 24–48 hours. Waiting doesn’t make it go away, it usually makes it louder.
   
2. Use FACE before you talk.
   In one minute, ask yourself:
   F: What am I feeling?
   • A: What am I assuming?
   • C: What response will move us forward?
   • E: What effect do I want this to have on the relationship/team?
     
3. Lead with one clear sentence + one clear request.
   Keep it simple:
   • “When ___ happened, I felt ___. Can we align on ___ going forward?”
     This reduces defensiveness and keeps the conversation focused on solutions.

Healthy conflict isn’t about winning. It’s about choosing clarity, alignment, and trust, before small issues become landmines.