A small shift in focus, from what’s wrong to what’s worthy, can transform the culture around you.
“If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
It sounds like something a grandmother, mine was a seamstress, might have stitched carefully into the corner of a pillow. But the older I get, and the more I lead, the more I hear real leadership wisdom buried inside it.
In leadership, it’s easy to fixate on what frustrates us. A team member who keeps missing the mark. A colleague who drains the room. A culture that feels stuck. Negativity travels fast in organizations. One critical comment in the wrong setting can quietly damage trust, chip away at morale, and shift the entire feel of a team.
Recently, I sat with a friend who was exhausted. Her manager, she said, couldn’t seem to see her, not her years of experience, not her contributions, not what she brought to the table every single day. What wore her down wasn’t the hard work. It was the steady diet of dismissal, blame, and criticism that had become the background noise of every meeting. No matter what her team offered, the words that came back left them feeling small.
The result? People started leaving. Those who stayed began showing their frustration through their work. The culture had quietly curdled, and it started with words. That’s an easy story to diagnose from the outside. We can all see the problem there. But what about the less obvious ones?
The passive-aggressive comment delivered with a smile. The eye roll that speaks louder than any sentence. The leader whose face says one thing while their words say another. These are easier to overlook, but they erode the culture just the same. Sometimes it’s the quiet signals people are sending without realizing it.
This is where self-awareness becomes non-negotiable. Not as a buzzword, but as an actual discipline. Because leadership, by its very nature, means you are not working alone. You are shaping an environment. The way we treat each other either builds trust or chips away at it over time. And if growth, results, and a healthy culture matter to you, then the people around you have to matter too, not just what they produce, but how they feel while they’re producing it.
Strong leaders don’t ignore problems, but they don’t build culture by constantly highlighting faults either. There’s a difference between addressing what needs to change and making criticism the default lens through which you see people.
The word admirable means worthy of respect. Worth speaking well of. And it turns out, the discipline of looking for what is admirable in others, before you open your mouth, is one of the most powerful moves a leader can make.
People grow where they feel seen. They stay where they feel valued.
ACTION STEPS
Put it into practice this week
1. THE PRE-MEETING SCAN: Before your next one-on-one or team meeting, take 60 seconds to identify one genuinely admirable quality in the person or people you’re about to engage. Write it down. It shifts your posture before you even walk in the room.
2. BE SPECIFIC: Vague praise (“good job”) disappears. Specific recognition sticks. Try: “The way you handled that client call showed real patience and professionalism.” Make it about their character or approach, not just the outcome.
3. AUDIT YOUR LANGUAGE PATTERNS: For one day, notice the ratio of critique to affirmation in your conversations. You don’t have to stop addressing problems, just get honest about the balance. Awareness is the first step toward recalibration.
4. CHECK WHAT YOU’RE COMMUNICATING WITHOUT WORDS: Body language, tone, and facial expressions often speak before your words do. Before a difficult conversation, take a breath and check your posture, both physical and emotional. Are you entering with openness or judgment?
5. REDIRECT, DON’T SUPPRESS: When a team conversation drifts toward gossip or blame, practice steering it: “What’s one thing this person or team is actually doing well right now?” You don’t have to lecture, just redirect the current.
6. END THE WEEK WITH A RECOGNITION NOTE: On Friday, send one brief, sincere message to a colleague or team member recognizing something admirable you observed that week. It costs two minutes, but it lands differently than you think.
REFLECTION QUESTIONS
- When I walk into a room full of people I lead, what is my default lens, what’s wrong, or what’s worthy? Be honest. No judgment. Just notice.
- Who on my team hasn’t heard something genuinely admirable about themselves from me in a while? That name that just came to mind, that’s your starting point.
Am I only aware of how I use my words, or also how I use my silence, my tone, and my body language? Leadership communication is the whole picture, not just what you say.
